A lady smiles at me. I am in the doctor's office.
My hair has grown back, it's smooth and shiny like a baby. All of my family find them beautiful and it comforts me.
Then I close my eyes.
I see all these faces that want my wellness, these people who made me feel like a worthwhile being. These little attentions that touched me, these nurses, these angels devoted to calm fears and to bear the worst tests and all those people who have made this parenthese, a moment of peace. It was intense but I won.
Then she pronounces the magic words. "You are in complete remission".
It's April 2015.
It's a rebirth, a new chance to do better, a new life is emerging, I'll never be the same again. I look at my picture, one last time in the mirror, a scar appeared under my shoulder, on the other side I still have my catheter. I look like Robocop but I'm proud. I fought but God made me survive.
Now I would like to give advice for those who have gone through these kinds of tests. This week, I was following a video that talked about the environment that can condition the rest of our destiny. Sometimes we did not grow up in families united or full of love, or we missed paternal figures and sometimes even if we had both parents present, but the relations were such that they were far from being those we wanted to have. In the midst of this distress, if we have no chance, ill-intentioned individuals can behave as predators or tyrants, which undermines our trust in us and leaves us with the sequels with which we fight for the rest of our life. If we don't have received encouragement, love or words of valorization, we grew up with the feeling of having no value, we form a carapace, we put a mask that is not ours. We become someone that others people perceive or judge bad. Leaving us even more in our distress For my part I have always been a sensitive person and art has always been a refuge for me (what my mother did not consider as a "real job". She will fight until her death to make me practice a trade more conventional.)
And above all, I was looking for Love. I trusted and clung to whom gave me a little attention. In love, as in friendship. And most of the time, I ended up being abused, betrayed or abandoned. I was often very rebellious and lived in my world. It's common what I say, but I think a lot of people live this and the pain is real.
And each trauma (death / abandonment / breakup in love or friendship / failure and joblessness) dig this emptiness inside me. Unfortunately, the more we are thirsty for love, the more we attract people who will feed on our distress and leave us more vulnerable. Through this test, I was able to find keys to feel better even if it is not perfect.
The first thing is:
ACCEPT
Do not live in denial anymore, accept your life, your trauma, confront your inner demons, accept your pain, accept that your life has not been perfect, accept that you have been rejected. Do not wear a mask, and do not try to keep everything to yourself. Playing the person who is strong and acting as if we are indestructible is an illusion, it only feeds destructive feelings of resentment, anger, and accumulates emotional poison. Accept what you are deep inside yourself. If you are sensitive, assume it, if you are romantic, assume it too. (The presence of God, help also but we will see that in another post.)
DO NOT ACCEPT ANYMORE LOL.
Yes it's funny, but it makes sense, you'll see. Do not accept anymore that people come in your life to devalue you. You are not the receptacle of others' frustrations. Do not accept anymore that devalorizing words take shape in your mind. Do not accept that these last ones destroy your life, and make you feel like a little less than nothing. Stop accepting abusive or unhealthy behaviors. Do not consider them normal anymore. In short, anything that makes you uncomfortable in a relationship, and what is an opposite to your values. Break the cycle! You will blame yourself at first but you will be better after.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS
Because they are valid, allow you to cry, to be angry, allow to feel the injustice, Do not try to repress anything, because you have the right to be you. You have the right to be sensitive and that is your strength. Which brings us to our next point
TURN YOUR WEAKNESS INTO STRENGTH
Healing is not done in a day and the process can take time. We can not go from a chetive person to a "Super Saiyan". (go and watch Dragon Ball Z to see what I'm talking about!) During that time, do something of this suffering. Learn the lessons to avoid traps and bad vibes. Do not hesitate to cut with any nefaste environment to get better. To heal, you will have to refocus on yourself and do a job on yourself.
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,
he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 corinthians 10:13
GO AND FIND HELP.
Do not hesitate to look for a professional if you need to talk. It allows us to free ourselves, to take a step back and see clearly your situation and above all find support. It's important.
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